Ain’t nothin’ wrong with a little curling sugar!
EO’s recent Butting Heads section featured the tantalizing question: “Should you date outside your sport?” Interesting to be sure, but what about dating into a sport? This may be the harder nut to crack.
Before we get rolling, two caveats. First, this article is really geared towards dudes because we’re the sex that has to put on ridiculous displays to win our mates. All those rams crashing their skulls together, all those birds spending months constructing the perfect nest, all those baboons with the highly polished red butts – those guys know what I’m talking about. We’re always doing stupid things to impress women.
Secondly, please note that I’m no expert on dating. In fact, I may be the perfect example of what women don’t want. Short, white and average is no match for tall, dark and handsome, but add my affinities for Rush (the band), Mystery Science Theater 3000 and bowling and it will all make sense why I’m so good at video games. But it is that very wisdom that has been combined with my highly scientific research of asking my friends over a beer about their dating lives, though it’s hard for me not to steer the conversation towards Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!
So with that, here we go: your chances of dating into ten sports when you are not a major participant. Note this article assumes you’re a fairly normal, decent looking dude who has never been to a Star Trek convention.
10. Curling
Chances of Success: 80%
Let’s start with a sport everyone can feel good about: curling. I’ve never met a mean curler. The bulk of serious curlers are Canadian, pretty nice people in general. I don’t get the impression curlers travel with an entourage or find excuses to rapidly sweep things just to show off their championship form. And hey, some of those curling girls are easy on the eyes. Just refrain from making any jokes about how curling is really glorified shuffleboard and you’ll cross the hog line of her heart in no time.
9. Running
Chances of Success: 50%
If you’re trying to date a runner, you’ve got as good chance as you would most any other human being. Running is something done alone, which can work in your favor. It’s empowering, simple and almost meditative, so the only real threat you face within the sport are smooth talking Kenyans and Buddhist monks.
8. Skiing / Snowboarding
Chances of Success: 40%
We’ll start with snowboarding; if you’re over 25 years old, your chances of winning an avid snowboarder’s heart are as likely as former President William H. Taft climbing Mount Everest, and he’s been dead since 1930. You get the picture. Skiing is the better way to go as long as you don’t utilize the overused sitcom plot of pretending to be awesome when you’ve never stood on skis in your life. You can earn bonus points if the object of your affection prefers telemark skiing by telling them how graceful and effortless they look. Likewise, if they are downhill skiers you can make clever jokes on how goofy and pretentious telemark skiers are.
7. Hiking
Chances of Success: 65%
Since just about everyone who enjoys the outdoors gets to hike, you’d think this would be the easiest category to find love. Alas, you must remember if your crush identifies with hiking as their sport, they aren’t going for Sunday walks around the park to feed the ducks. Or if they are, they are doing it with a 65 lb. backpack on for training. And they are feeding the ducks chunks of Clif bar. This is Colorado, so you better have an answer when asked “What is your favorite 14er?” Denver Bronco jackets as outer layers are discouraged.
6. Triathlon (normal)
Chances of Success: 40%
At some point in their lives, many active people want to give a triathlon a shot, if only for the variety. As I can attest to as tragically slow swimmer, there’s something special about having waves of aggressive women kicking you in the face as they literally swim over you. If that’s your sort of thing, then you’re in the right sport. And remember, if people start to look normal while wearing wetsuits and swimming caps, then you can call yourself a triathlete.
5. Triathlon (Ironman)
Chances of Success: 5%
Unlike normal triathlons, which range from “fun” to “kind of fun”, Iromans are special kind of suffering that can be called a lot of things, but I don’t think “fun” is one of them. It’s the ultimate Type-A outlet, perfect for those people who, much to Olivia Newton John’s dismay, have never been mellow. The 4 A.M. daily runs and rides, the tragically healthy diet, the all consuming lifestyle – if you aren’t on par with your mate, don’t expect much… like anything fun after 7 PM (bedtime). I leave a 5% exception rule if you’re an excellent chef or are the kind of person who likes 5 minutes of interaction with their partner per day and not a second more.
4. Road Biking
Chances of Success: 25%
Road bikers are kind of a wild card. Some are ex-pat mountain bikers who grew tired of eating dirt. Some are speed demons who love the audacious thrill of going 50 MPH on tires skinnier than a Twix bar. And some are European. Many riders are as hairless as a bowling ball, thanks to roadies’ sub-culture of extensive waxing and moisturizing (and those are just the guys). You can leverage this inbred narcissism to your advantage, for while your competition is gazing longingly at his own clean shaven calf muscle, you can strike up a witty conversation with the ladies about climbs of the Alps, the benefits of carbon fiber or or something all women like, shoes (cycling shoes to start).
3. Climbing
Chances of Success: 10%
A female climber friend of mine posits the following theory, so if you happen to find it sexist or inaccurate, remember it’s coming from a woman: a lot of girls who climb have a “climbing gateway” boyfriend. You know, the guy that gets them into climbing. After the novelty has worn off and the girl either dumps the guy and/or realizes she can pull down pretty hard without that chump, it’s a new game. Personally, I see more girls getting into climbing on their own so I think that’s changing, though the percentage of winning a climbing chica remains low, since it’s a lifestyle-heavy sport. I suggest a dab of climbing chalk in lieu of cologne on the first date.
2. Mountain Biking
Chances of Success: 1%
Those guys wishing to court the elusive mountain bike chick must take their place at the end of a very long line. It’s hard to imagine any other outdoor sport with a dude to babe ratio less in favor of guys who don’t participate than mountain biking. Let’s say it’s about 100 to 1. That means you’re stuck behind at least 99 alpha-type, sinewy fellows who themselves are eagerly awaiting the girl’s Facebook status to change to single, where it will stay for a maximum of 18 minutes. Exceptions are granted if you’ve starred in a major motion picture as the lead in a romantic comedy or if you happen to be a genius bike mechanic.
1. Body Building
Chances of Success: 0%
I’m not here to judge, my name is not Judy. We all have our little quirks we’re attracted to (I happen to favor women with good handwriting). If you’re into a woman who not only has buns of steel but thighs of tungsten carbide, forearms of molybdenum and a carrot-hued face chiseled from petrified leather, then body building is where it’s at. The problem is, have you ever seen a body builder babe with anyone other than a body building counterpart? I don’t even know where to start with this one, mostly because I’m afraid any female body builders I might ask will beat me up. But I kid our fibrous, burly body-builder friends! Please don’t hit me!
Alas, this is the one category I think impossible to breach without getting into the sport. You must squat-thrust your way into this exclusive world ala Carrot Top and transform yourself from a mild-mannered, scrawny prop comic to a horrifying hulk with tattooed eyebrows. Is it worth it? Hard to say, but on the plus side if you succeed, your girlfriend will never ask you open a jar of pickles.
