It’s normal to have goals and expectations for ourselves. Without them, how can we possibly expect to improve or accomplish anything in life? However, if we don’t meet our expectations or think we might not reach our goal, it often causes anxiety, depression, or a decrease in self-worth. This leads us to the internal dialogue of what is acceptable.
What provoked me to write about such a heavy topic? I was in Gunnison this past weekend racing the 64 mile mountain bike race called the Gunnison Growler. GREAT event and if you want to read more about the details, click here. The race consists of two 32 mile laps. Lap 1 didn’t go so well for me. In fact, I was not riding to my expectations or my ability level. During lap 1, I was walking sections I knew I was fully capable of riding, and growing increasingly frustrated with myself. My body was also not working with me, and I was riding slow and without power. It went something like this, “Oh crap, what’s around that corner? I can’t really see *brake*… oh man, that looks sketchy. Can I make it? No, I don’t even want to try because I can’t. *walk section* Sonya, you suck. You are such a wimp.” Negative self-talk and not helpful. The hardest part about doing something you love and excel at is that sometimes you will not be at your best.
The toughest lesson I’ve had to learn over the years, especially with bike racing, is trying not to listen to the negative self talk. It is about trying to accept where you are in that moment and not judging yourself for it, without losing hope, respect, and having reasonable expectations. During lap 1, I got to the point where I told myself it was ok that I wasn’t riding at my ability level and that it wasn’t permanent, and was actually okay with it on a minute to minute basis. “Keep moving forward.”
I read Andre Agassi’s book, “Open,” about 6 months ago. What I found the most striking is that he repeatedly said that he hated tennis. Andre – the man, the myth, the legend… hates tennis? After delving further, you find out he hates tennis because he is a perfectionist and can’t perform every match flawlessly. He can’t be perfect. I don’t know where it comes from, but certain types of people (myself definitely included), are perfectionists. I don’t think we ever can really change that, but we can learn to work around our issues and accept where we are, accept that in that moment we are doing our best, and try to be happy with it. Sometimes our best doesn’t seem good enough to us and we always want to be more…to achieve more.
Type A perfectionists are always overachievers. Our accomplishments look great on paper, but the trouble is that we struggle to be happy without wanting to be more once a goal is reached. By the end of lap 1 at the Growler, everything turned around for me. My body switched on, my confidence came back and I was able to charge through everything that intimidated me during the first lap… so much so that my lap time for mile 33-64 was 20 minutes faster than lap 1, miles 1-32. Sometimes that doesn’t happen and you finish your race knowing you gave a C- performance. If everything was always easy and we were never disappointed, then we’d never learn or grow. At the time, I was stoked to finish in 2nd place. I am still happy with it, but I can’t help but find myself thinking, “It would have been better if I rode the first lap like the second lap.” And then I say, “Dammit Sonya, be happy with what you accomplished.”
The internal battle will always be there, but constantly challenging myself are steps to learning to just be in the moment without judgement. I’ll always want to be more – it’s who I am, but lessons from the microcosm of bike racing are applicable across the board to everything in life.
