The hapless trio was located by an intrepid K-9 unit roughly 25 feet (!) from the exit. Oh and there was still daylight.
America has been getting a reputation for being soft in the last few years. Sure, we may be fat, lazy and dumbed down to the point where more people tune into the Kardashian wedding than the state of the union address. But there was always that can-do attitude of rolling up our sleeves, cracking our knuckles and going onto Facebook to quote Charlie Sheen. Other countries must shake their heads with disbelief at just how helpless we’ve become. There’s probably a village deep in the Congo where the one town that has dial-up Internet is feverishly searching an English-to-Congolese dictionary just to make sure they are understanding the story.
Congo Dude: “Klac! b’nunga ba funn fumo roop pak-na!” (Translated: Americans are so fat, they literally get lost in their food!)
My only hope is this was a media set-up by those clever marketing people at Connors Farms because hey, why else would we talk about their headless horseman corn maze? Maybe the “family” were struggling actors, paid a handsome sum to pretend to be dumber than stale candy corn. (Sidenote: This write up for best acting schools in America lists Yale University at number one. And the first prestigious name to headline the creme de la creme of Yale thespians? Mark Linn-Baker, known for his towering performance as Cousin Larry!)
It’s a sad day when the message of urine-drinking specialist Bear Grylls goes unheeded (as far as we know). There are those who plunge into the unknown and like Theseus besting the Minotaur in the labyrinth of Crete, test the limits of human endurance. And then there are simps who fall to pieces 25 feet (less than half of a bowling lane!) from safety. Let’s be grateful they didn’t push the limits of the haunted hayride.
